Hello and welcome to the 72nd edition of the Weekly Vine. This week, we unpack Messi’s messy GOAT tour, decode the IPL auction’s tells, parse Susie Wiles’ unusually candid take on Team Trump, and end with a Dhurandhar meme that has taken the internet by storm.
MESSY GOAT TOUR
As a Manchester United fan, Lionel Messi still gives me PTSD: post-traumatic soccer disorder. There were the 2009 and 2011 Champions League finals, when Messi and Co’s Barcelona made me understand the true meaning of Derrida’s deconstruction as they decimated United with ease.
Those were the Fergie heydays, and one had no inkling that reaching the Champions League final would become as rare as seeing a chai vendor without a UPI scanner. But many years later, as Messi fans across the country found themselves traumatised by the Messy GOAT Tour, the shoe is on the other foot as I smile at the misfortune of those who pay obeisance to the demonic GOAT that tormented me.
Strangely enough, the tour seems to go through cities with which I have a personal connection. I was born in Kolkata, spent the first years of my professional life in Mumbai, live in the gas chamber we call Delhi, and call Hyderabad my sasural, the city of my in-laws. And Messi’s stop in each city ended up showcasing each city’s unique pathos.
Kolkata, the city that worships eternally at the feet of Hegel and Marx, delivered the full Bengal treatment. A shoddily managed event where politicians clicked selfies while fans waited endlessly in line, before eventually venting their frustration on materialism, as Bengalis are wont to do. As the old Bengali slogan goes: Cholbe na.
Hyderabad, by contrast, showcased why Google picked the city for its biggest AI hub and data centre outside the US. The event was slick, efficient, and smooth enough to have been directed by S S Rajamouli himself, even if the chief minister did misplace a few passes while trying to channel Xavi or Iniesta.
Mumbai, unsurprisingly, showcased the things it is most famous for, in no particular order: Sachin Tendulkar, Ajay Devgn, and a scantily clad Tiger Shroff.
Delhi’s leg was delayed by fog, which felt appropriate. Politicians were greeted by chants of “AQI, AQI”, which, funnily enough, rhymes with Messi. The only real surprise was that Messi could breathe in this air long enough to smile for photographs.
Each city projected its anxieties, aspirations, and absurdities onto Messi.
Kolkata revealed its talent for ideological chaos.
Mumbai displayed its addiction to celebrity choreography.
Hyderabad asserted Telugu supremacy, which is the norm in my household.
And Delhi reminded everyone that symbolism travels at the same speed as smog.
Predictably, the event triggered a round of solemn national introspection, as solemn as one can get on the hellhole formerly known as Twitter.
Why would Indians line up to see a footballer who was not even playing? Critics diagnosed low self-esteem.
Others lamented our obsession with stars over sport. These arguments proliferated because the internet was designed precisely for this purpose: to let everyone showcase their biases with great confidence and minimal thought.
The simpler explanation is scale. India is a very big country. Any event here becomes a Rorschach test. Every thought can be extrapolated, juxtaposed, and flattened into a universal theory that would gladden Yuval Harari’s heart.
India did not come to watch Messi play football. India came to watch itself watching Messi.
IPL AUCTION
Speaking of actual sporting events, the Indian Premier League 2026 auction took place recently, with each franchise faithfully revealing its auction DNA.
Kolkata Knight Riders spent Rs 25.2 crore on Cameron Green and Rs 18 crore on Matheesha Pathirana, the kind of high-variance gamble the franchise usually takes and that seldom pays off.
Chennai Super Kings, on the other hand, perhaps attempting to balance their ageing core, splurged on uncapped Prashant Veer and Karthik Sharma, moves that will be retroactively credited to MS Dhoni if they work and quietly forgotten if they do not.
Delhi Capitals behaved like a franchise permanently convinced it is one tweak away, mixing bargain-bin pragmatism with unresolved longing. They picked up Auqib Nabi Dar for Rs 8.40 crore, re-adopted Prithvi Shaw at pocket change, and filled their squad card with sensible names that suggest adulthood without ever promising joy.
Reigning champions Royal Challengers Bengaluru, who thought we could ever write that, added Venkatesh Iyer and Mangesh Yadav to the roster. Sunrisers Hyderabad, meanwhile, leaned fully into their operating philosophy of brute-force batting therapy, paying Rs 13 crore for Liam Livingstone and surrounding Pat Cummins with some of the heaviest hitters in the game.
Lucknow Super Giants continued their quietly methodical existence by snapping up Josh Inglis and Anrich Nortje, a squad that feels designed by someone who reads pitch reports for pleasure. Punjab Kings, eternally trapped between reset and rebuild, made polite, almost apologetic purchases like Cooper Connolly, their squad image screaming promise while whispering doubt.
Gujarat Titans played the role of sensible adults, taking Tom Banton cheaply and moving on, uninterested in auction theatrics. Rajasthan Royals, still romantics at heart, brought in Adam Milne and trusted continuity over spectacle. And Mumbai Indians did what Mumbai always does best, saying very little and re-acquiring Quinton de Kock for Rs 1 crore like a billionaire finding loose change in last season’s jacket.
In the end, the auction did what it always does. It revealed less about who will win in May and more about who franchises believe they are in December. Some chased upside, some chased relevance, some chased the comforting illusion that this time the tweak will finally work.
ICE QUEEN LEAKS
If there’s one member of Team Trump who doesn’t share the team’s propensity to put their face in front of a camera, it’s chief of staff Susie Wiles.
Dubbed the Ice Queen, she is ostensibly the only person who can rein in the orange one. All this makes Wiles’ recent interview odd. Wiles makes some rather pointed comments about various members of the Trump administration, all of which are rather bang on.
She claimed Trump, who never drinks, has an “alcoholic’s personality”, referring to his tendency to operate with the worldview that there’s nothing he can’t do. While most folks need liquid courage, it would appear that Diet Coke is good enough for Trump. She also calls VP JD Vance a “conspiracy theorist for a decade”. JD laughed off the comparison, saying he only believed conspiracy theories that “are true”.
On the Epstein files, she claims AG Pam Bondi “completely whiffed” and said there was “no client list and it sure as hell wasn’t on her desk”. She labelled Russell Vought, the director of the Office of Management and Budget, a man who has figured out very creative ways to use federal money to do Trump’s bidding, “a right-wing absolute zealot”.
Lastly, she sums up Trump’s former BFF Elon Musk as an “odd duck” and an “avowed ketamine (user)”, confirming what most folks already know.
In a statement on X, Wiles said:
“The article published early this morning is a disingenuously framed hit piece on me and the finest President, White House staff, and Cabinet in history. Significant context was disregarded, and much of what I, and others, said about the team and the President was left out of the story. I assume, after reading it, that this was done to paint an overwhelmingly chaotic and negative narrative about the President and our team. The truth is the Trump White House has already accomplished more in eleven months than any other President has accomplished in eight years, and that is due to the unmatched leadership and vision of President Trump, for whom I have been honoured to work for the better part of a decade. None of this will stop our relentless pursuit of Making America Great Again!”
Ironically, not one line in that statement denies the comments, especially because a magazine like Vanity Fair does extensive background checks to ensure what was said is factually correct. Ergo, whatever context Wiles claims was missing, she certainly said those things about her fellow Trumpians.
MEME OF THE WEEK: FIRST DAY AS A SPY
And finally, our meme of the week is First Day as a Spy, an offshoot from the Dhurandhar movie which satirises why it would be very difficult for most people to live the spy life. From Indians so used to Digital India that they ask for the UPI scanner, to accidentally speaking regional languages or watching Tarak Mehta while eating one’s food, the meme satirises how difficult life would be for non-spies in that cloaks-and-dagger world. And frankly, it’s a meme one can totally understand. If yours truly were a spy in Pakistan, I would be outed the moment I tried searching for the nearest Starbucks because I cannot kickstart my day without an iced Americano.
And that’s why most of us were never meant for the spy life.
Disclaimer
Views expressed above are the author’s own.
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